In my empty and quiet house, hot sun crosses my face.
No reason to open my eyes or rise has entered my mind because
though another day has arrived, I’m wondering why I’m alive.
I still survive and feeling good has moved beyond my reach. I retain the desire to love, to live, and know it’s not your fault that I’m over forty. My testosterone has gone and I’ve shifted into low and am ready to stall. I believe with you gone, I’ll never ball, and a smile will never break the discontent covering my face.
I paid the price for committing a crime by loving you more than all the rest, and wondered why when you left it was like a hornet’s nest, until my thoughts came through my unconscious mind, and I knew, my testosterone was low and the best part of me was gone.
If I changed and gained by smoking reefer and making young girls sniff cocaine. Then drank whiskey and smoked cigarettes without regrets. Music and my life wouldn’t have ended my friend, or stopped like a sudden drop when you wouldn’t let me fuck you all night long.
With an empty tank, I wondered why, why did I still exist? Was I here to fill a void or to satisfy a whim of someone or something far more perverted than me? Smoking reefer, making young girls sniff cocaine and drinking whiskey is still a lot of fun, and now I know, I don’t want to die.
So when I heard the radio say, Testosterone restored for $40 a month, I let the gas bill go and bought pills that made my heart run cold. My veins, ready or not, got refilled with testosterone, and any love I ever had was ready for a rerun.
I went back to the mountains where it all began and though I became a young man again, I knew it was the last I’d ever see. I lay back on a rock to watch the darkening sky that would soon be filled with sparkling stars, and moonbeams streaming through the sky lighting the night. What a beautiful sight
Happiness came because I’d been alive and allowed to enjoy so many natural things. But past years have turned on me. Now I know how wrong I was when testosterone ruled and I saw my babies born, flowers grown, girls transformed into women and I even loved a few.
To live, to enjoy, to be worry free while appreciating the show going on around me. The sun or moon with stars sprinkling light throughout the sky are only a few of the wonders I’d seen in between. I imagined I existed for eternity and had only heard, but never seen the marvels filling my world, a river, a waterfall, or people who gave love, kindness and hope to those less fortunate than them and shared affection with dogs and cats and horses.
So you see my friend, I lay under the sky to watch the sun go down, and say, “I’m sorry it had to be you that emptied my testosterone sack and wouldn’t give it back.”
I’m happy now as I watched the moonrise amongst the stars, and stopped to think of the opportunities freely given me by you. This is the perfect time and place to die, and though I may never live again, I’m thinking of you on my 99th birthday. There’s a smile on my face and a woody in my hand as I go out with thoughts of you in my heart.