If only I had known why, my dog Bo always wanted to be in the kitchen. He and his pal Scamp waited for any chance. If I turned my head, into the kitchen they’d romp, and all the time I thought they were just two hungry dogs, until I had my dream and saw what I couldn’t believe.
Bo and Scamp both wore white chef caps, aprons, and had oven mitts on their paws. They chopped and diced and cooked like pros. Succulent aromas impregnated the house. All who inhaled the fragrance salivated like Pavlov’s Dogs.
Out of the kitchen dogs, I yelled, but they ignored me and dished me out a plate of what looked like moist and warm Kibbles and Bits. To be polite, I took a bite and to my palate’s delight, it tasted better than a Porterhouse Steak.
Bo asked if I wanted more. He not only talks, he cooks and is more faithful than any wife would ever be. I knew if I could have a litter like Bo or even Scamp, I’d soon be rich. I immediately started looking for a bitch to breed Bo and I looked for another for Scamp. Before I found a suitable mate for either one, I figured I better find out where they learned to cook and if they could teach their pups to do what they did.
“Hey Bo, come here boy,” I couldn’t believe I was going to have a conversation with a dog, but then again, I couldn’t believe the dog was a gourmet cook, could talk and even washed his paws before handling any food. “Tell me where you learned to do what you do?”
“Listen Joe, do you really want to know?” Bo said in barks that came out like words.
“Yes, indeed I do Bo. I need to know if you have pups if I can train them to do what you do.”
“Sit down Joe. I’ll tell you what I know if you promise to never repeat it to anyone.”
What did a promise to a dog mean anyway? If Bo told me something worthwhile, and I wanted to write about it, could I do so and be morally right. After all a dog is only property owned by someone, and as property we can do anything we want with them. We owe them nothing, so I concluded, my promise needn’t be kept.
Bo began, “Once upon a time, long ago, a light came from the sky and shone on my ancestor, Howling Wolf. The energy from the light filled his brain with knowledge and he taught many wolf’s to cook and clean as I do. There was a rebellion amongst the young cubs. They didn’t want to work in the kitchen. They howled at the moon night after night protesting that it was a crime against nature to have to cook and clean when they could be running down game.”
“Is this a fairy tale Bo, or did you eat some contaminated puppy chow?”
Bo raised his paw, “I swear on my sixth sense that every word is true. Well, that light had made Howling Wolf so smart he figured out a way to keep all the wolves happy. For those who wanted to hunt and work the solution was to let them follow their nature. For those who wanted to be pampered pups, he created humans to care for them.”
“Hold on Bo. You’re saying a wolf created mankind?”
“He was no ordinary wolf.”
“I can’t believe you. Why don’t all dogs cook and clean like you and Scamp?”
“We’re trying to break away from the pack. We believe it to be cruel to force humans to pick up our doggy doo and have to brush and bathe us as they do. We want to be independent and live as Howling Wolf did. Then we can be proud to say, ‘I’m a dog.’”
“I’m proud of you Bo. I tell everyone I know how smart my dog is.”
“Hold on there Joe. You’ve got that backwards. Before I showed you I could cook, who did all the work around here?”
“Why, I suppose I did.”
“Who picked up after me when I took you for a walk?” Bo said and curled his lips in a doggy smile that meant he thought he had made himself clear.
“But I was in charge, and that made you my dog.”
“You’re deluded as most humans are. You and others were created to fill our needs, to cook and clean for us dogs. To give us baths and dress us in fancy clothes if we desired.”
“Wait a minute; I think that’s weird to dress a dog in clothes.”
“I know, I had you made that way. Those pansy critters who dress like that are weird I think, but Howling Wolf said that dogs could choose to do anything they wanted.”
“Hold on here Bo. I know you’re wrong. If dogs are in charge, how do you explain the dog pounds where so many dogs are euthanized?”
“How do you explain penitentiaries?”
“They’re for people who don’t obey the law,” I said.
“Ditto for dog pounds,” Bo said.
I could see Bo was deluded and thought he was my boss, so I said, “I’m looking for a bitch and you and her will have a litter that I’ll sell and I’ll be rich.”
As we spoke a girl walked past. Bo ran to her and kissed her feet. “Oh what a cute dog,” she said, and smiled at me. My heart melted, and I said, “He thinks you’re cute too. Would you like to come and see him cook lunch for us?”
“Cute and he cooks too? You’re a lucky dog to have one like this,” she picked Bo up and kissed him.
Bo looked over her shoulder and I saw that doggy smile on his face. “I found you a bitch to breed a brood of kids to cook and clean for us dogs.”