Robot or Is It Robota
“Transsexual robots are here to stay, so get one on sale today. No matter if you’re straight or gay, Robert or Roberta will fulfill your needs and fantasies,” repeated over and over from the overhead speakers in the subway station. Joe tried to drown it out by plugging his ears with toilet paper. The sound penetrated and he heard, “If you’d like to procreate, there’s a kit with robotic DNA, designed to mix with yours, so you can have offspring of your own.”
He put his hands over his ears. He didn’t want any stinking robot. He wanted Penelope for his girl. He met her at the company Christmas party. She was dressed as Mrs. Claus. One look at her and Joe was ready to move to the North Pole and start making toys. A train stopped and he boarded it. Joe took his hands from his ears and heard a couple talking.
“If a man or woman chooses a robot to mate with, there’s no one who knows if their offspring will be boy, girl, human, or robot,” the man said.
“What’s it matter? Hybrids are much better than any thoroughbred human, or machine.
They aren’t so frail, and have an on, off switch for so many things,” the woman replied.
“Go ahead, love is just waiting for you to flip that switch, and satisfaction in any matter can be had by simply telling Robo what you want it to do. So if you’d rather have a robot than me, I’ll understand,” the man said, “and if you’re enamored with him or her, marriage is legal in 49 states.”
“Yes it is, and not only that, once Robo says the matrimonial vows, it’ll be loyal, no matter what, and will explode before being untrue. Is it any wonder that soon the entire human race will soon be hybrid, and all the children will be called Robo?”
Joe didn’t believe that for a minute. As long as there were women like Penelope around, a man would have to be crazy to marry a robot. After the party Penelope went home with Joe. She helped him undress and gave him a full body massage before she too undressed. When he saw her naked he could hardly believe God had made such a perfect woman and then let her come home with him. “Thank you God,” he had prayed before he had the best sex ever.
Sated like never before, Joe went to sleep, when he awoke, Penelope was gone. Joe inquired at work and found she had been hired through an agency for the party. No one knew her last name. He went to the agency that sent her. They wouldn’t give him any information. “She’s entitled to her privacy,” the secretary said. Joe tried a bribe and she threatened to call the police.
He was in love. He had to find Penelope no matter the cost. He hired a detective named, Digital Dick. He was a robotic detective of course. Robots deduced things a hundred times faster than any human could, so they soon put human detectives out of business.
“Mr. Digital. . .”
“Please, call me Dick,” the detective said.
“Okay, Dick. Here’s what I need you to do.” Joe told him all about Penelope.
“Can I call you Joe?” the robot said.
“Joe, why don’t you simply get the latest model robotic companion? You know they’re better than any human girl.”
Joe punched him in his jaw and broke three fingers.
Dick laughed. “Okay, no insult intended. I only tried to give you some logical advice.”
“I don’t want a robot for a girl, I want Penelope. Now if you want to get paid, find her,” Joe said.
The robot charged a hefty fee for his services, lots of oil, memory chips, and a full service electrical generator. Joe gladly paid. He knew Digital Dick was good at what he did, and if anyone could find Penelope, it was him.
Joe went to a local bar for a drink and to wait for the call from Digital that he had found Penelope. He walked past six good looking women sitting at the bar. Joe figured they were waiting for customers. He thought about buying some time with one and imagining he was with Penelope, but these days he couldn’t tell if they were human or robots until after the act. A robot automatically douched after sex. There was no off switch for that and it gave them away every time, but always too late. Money had already changed hands and the deed had been done. There was nothing left to do but remember what you had done to a machine.
Joe’s stomach turned thinking about that happening. He may be old fashioned, but he was sticking to human women only, no matter what. As he thought this, he received a telepathic call from Digital Dick.
“I found her. She’s working a party over here at the Hilton. I’ve told the doorman to let you in when you get here.”
Joe rushed to the Hilton. He wasn’t sure what he’d say. If he asked her to marry him and she agreed, it would be binding for life as divorce was no longer allowed under intergalactic law. “That was what he wanted though, wasn’t it?” He asked himself. Once the doorman showed him in and he saw Penelope wearing that costume his heart leaped. He ran over and asked her to be his wife. She accepted. They were married that night.
On their honeymoon, Joe wanted a lot of sex and he worried if she had brought her supplies with her. They were in the gift shop and Joe saw a douche bag on display. He discreetly asked, “Did you bring yours?”
“Oh no, I’m the latest model. I have an on off switch and only use it when I need to.
roberta > robot