Chapter 1 – Penis Replicas
I think it’s time to lose our zipper phobia and talk about what’s behind the zipper. Is the male organ beautiful, or even pretty? In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic. Those not impressively endowed wore a fake penis if they chose. These people probably thought their penises beautiful if they displayed them just because they could. I imagine the less well-endowed men made sure their fake penises were beautiful.
Our Babymakers must be fashionable if not downright beautiful, because replicas of them are sold worldwide. Many women seem to have a desire to play with a penis of their own. They go to parties, stores, or online to find a pe-nis the size and color they desire. It appears that women have been trying to replace penises with dildos since the beginning of civilization. Dildos in one form or another are found in various cultures throughout history.
The first dildos were made of stone, tar, wood, and other materials easily shaped as penises and firm enough to be used as penetrative sex toys. Modern dildos are made of many different materials and come in all shapes and sizes.
Artifacts found from the high culture era of 10,000 to 40,000 years ago are called “batons” by archaeologists. Some scientists believe the size and shape of these ice age implements leaves little doubt that they were “sex toys.” The world’s oldest known dildo is a twenty-centimeter silt-stone phallus, found in Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm, Germa-ny, and is estimated to be 30,000 years old. This dildo was on display at a Blaubeuren museum exhibition.
Dildos were called “olisbos” by the ancient Greeks, who fashioned them out of wood, leather, and stone. Italians in the fifteenth century happily named the toy “diletto,” which means delight in Italian. The term “dildo” evolved from diletto. Victorian-era doctors created a mechanical portable vibrator to massage female genitals in attempts to cure “hysteria.” Were they trying to replace the penis with this invention? Later, the device was advertised in a Sears catalog in 1918.
Even now, there’s a harvest and prosperity festival cele-brating fertility—Hōnen Matsuri—led by Shinto priests every March 15 in Komaki, Japan. Costumed participants parade a 620-pound wooden penis around Komaki. Throngs of women carry massive dildos in their arms and the food and souvenirs are usually phallus shaped.
The only reason I mention dildos is to point out that no matter how many are created in varying sizes, textures, and colors, the old tried and true flesh and blood, natural-born penis is irreplaceable. But guys, the good news is, we can create replicas of our very own.
There are mold making kits out there to replicate your Curious George. There’s Clone-a-Willy, Create-A-Mate, and Clone Your Bone. All we have to do is mix the substances in the kits, put them in a super-sized soft drink cup, insert an erect Dingaroo, and wait five minutes.
That gives us the negative mold, which we then fill with wax or other soft or hard substances to create a clone of our very own. Once the mold is finished, we can produce as many clones as we want. Think of all the money we’ll save at holidays by giving our girlfriend or wives the part of us they like best.