The Last Goodbye
The blues were playing over and over in my head. I went into the Beehive Bar and ordered a double shot of Jack Daniels from Red.
“Did somebody die, Joe?” red asked, “You look so sad, the drink is on me.”
That brought a smile to my face. “Give me another and get one for yourself,” I said and drank that one too as soon as he filled my glass.
“I’m here to listen to anything you have to say.” Red poured me another shot.
He was doing his job as bartender by letting me tell him my tale of woe. There’s no better therapy than telling someone about what’s eating at your soul. We sat and talked. I read poems, I had written for and about her when we were one, before she left me for another. I was fine and I read the words, the words of love I never knew I had within, until I read them aloud to her, the inspiring one.
“Our relationship was a thing of the past, I so blatantly thought, but the words, the words that came from my soul changed all that. She had to leave and that was good, I thought. I didn’t know when she did; she’d take part of me with her. The piece she took leaves an empty hole where my soul or maybe my heart used to be. Now I know I should have never let her go.”
Red gave me a look that let me knew he had heard this tale so many times before he thought it asinine. “Tell you what Joe; grab the first piece of ass that walks through that door.” he pointed to the Beehives front door, “You’ll soon forget all about the one who dumped you.”
Like Red had given her a cue, Cindy walked through the door. She wore a see through blouse, and I could see how tight and firm she was. Her tight shorts gave me a view I’ll never forget. Right then, I decided to take Red’s advice.
“Give Cindy a drink on me,” I said before she found a seat. She came and sat next to me. Red was right, all thoughts of the one who left me vanished as my mind filled with videos of Cindy doing things to me.
“Thanks,” she said and raised her wine glass in a salute.
“You’re a lucky woman,” I told her. “I had made up my mind to have sex with the first woman to come through the door, and that’s you.”
“You’re a lucky man,” she said, “I decided I’d marry the first man that brought me a drink today.”
We went to city hall and tied the knot. It would work out I thought as both our desires had been filled. Then we went to a motel and went to bed. It was then I knew I had made a mistake. Cindy had the ugliest vagina I had ever seen. It looked like an alien being with swollen lips.
“I know a doctor that can make your vagina prettier, better proportioned, youthful, and give it that true Playboy aesthetic look.”
She slapped my face.“Labiaplasty is what you’re talking about. They use lasers and scalpels to reduce my lips. The next thing you’ll say is it tastes so bad you can’t go down on me. But that’s no excuse because I use mints to make it taste and smell sweet.”
I didn’t care how sweet it smelled, I wasn’t about to kiss those ugly lips. I went out the next day and purchased some Bleach Babe, a cream to do away with the natural discoloration surrounding the exterior of her vagina. It contains Kojic acid, the same ingredient that keeps salmon meat pink.
After nagging her for weeks she agreed. Surgery and using bleach made her vagina so pretty it could be the centerfold for any porn publication out there. We had to wait several weeks for her to heal and when she was ready I took off all my clothes.
She looked at my Italian Stallion and said, “You’re not putting that Moby Dick into my beautiful Tunnel of Love unless you go to the doctor for some reconstructive surgery.”
Cindy did it for me, but being a man, I wasn’t about to go under the knife and risk permanent sexual dysfunction. “Because of what you did, I’ll go on an exercise program to make my Dickus Maximus the right size to match your Pink Ladies beauty.”
I purchased a penis extender and stretched it daily for 45 minutes at a time. I practiced Jelging every moment I was alone, and walked around with a weight hanging from my Hairy Houdini when I couldn’t perform any other exercise. Weeks went by and I’d measure and massage every day and I couldn’t wait to show Cindy how much Pokey had grown.
“Show me yours and I’ll show you mine,” I finally told Cindy.
She stripped of all her clothes and lay on her back exposing her Tunnel of Love for my inspection. If anything her coloring had become more desirable, a perfect pink peach color that I wanted to taste. I went to plant a kiss.
“Hold on, before you do, I have to see what your Penis the Menace looks like.”
I proudly showed her how much he had grown.
A look of revulsion crossed her face. “What have you done? Your Injection Erection is way too big, and he looks like an Ugly Brother.”
My heart fell to my feet. All my work, wasted. “What should I do?”
“A penis reduction is the only choice.”
When I asked my doctor, he laughed. I drowned it in ice water whenever I could and found chemicals at the drugstore that guaranteed to shrink skin. A week went by and I was the perfect size. I told Cindy to get undressed. She took Droopy in her hand and after one stroke; he broke off at the stem. I said my Last Goodbye as tears rolled from my eyes.