SOme good ones here.




As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my
mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John  Glenn


When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the
Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When
we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu

***** America is the only country where a significant proportion of
the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
landing was faked. ~ David Letterman

***** I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
God dammit, I’m a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes

***** After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~
Italian proverb

***** Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right
and  you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind

***** The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’
is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr

***** I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither
would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

***** You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car
doesn’t. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

***** When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car
or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip

***** A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips.

***** Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~
Harrison Ford

***** The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike

***** Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin
Hall True

***** Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a
conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand.

***** Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50
million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold

***** We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the
others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

***** In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the
furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz

***** If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson

***** I don’t believe in
astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke

***** Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired
by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin

***** Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy

***** America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug

***** The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to
anyone. ~ George Roberts

***** If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get
to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

***** I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for
it. ~ Robert Benchley

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