Officer Useless
“God damn,” I thought as I watched the two black kids going through the pockets of the guy they just hit with a baseball bat. One swing and he was down and out. They must’ve got a good haul because they were hi-fiving each other and acting all happy. “Should I do my job?” I ask myself. This isn’t a question a police officer is supposed to ask himself I know, but hey they didn’t kill the guy and they’re only doing what it takes to survive.
It’s too bad about the victim who’s going to wake up with empty pockets and a bad headache. If I arrest the kids, I know what’s going to happen to them, “The hell with it I thought,,” and pulled my cap over my eyes and went to sleep, again.
Sleep didn’t last long, because I forgot to turn the volume of my radio down. The emergency call got my attention when I heard the address coming over the radio. “22 Lakeside St.” The blonde I’ve has been stalking for the past few weeks lives at that address. “Maybe I can finally get to meet her,” I thought and rush to 22 Lakeside St.
There’s a crowd standing out front, and one guy tells me to hurry and get up to 3-A because someone’s being murdered there. I slowly walk back to my patrol car and call for backup. I’m going by the book here. I’m not supposed to go rushing into any dangerous situation without backup and I’m no rookie eager beaver looking to be a hero.
The windows in 3-A must be open, because I can hear the screaming down here from inside my car. A delegation of citizens approaches my car, and want to know if I’m going to help the guy being murdered, or am I just going to sit here listening to his screams? These assholes are forcing me into a dangerous situation, but I know if I don’t go to help I’ll never hear the end of it. I check my revolver to be sure it’s loaded and working properly, because I know I’m going to shoot that son of a bitch who’s causing all this commotion. I then check my throwaway piece. Just in case when I shoot this asshole he doesn’t have a weapon, and I have to gift him one.
This is what’s called a mixed neighborhood, black and white living side by side. The mayor says, peacefully living side by side, but that was a wish and not a fact. Since the migration into the neighborhood of black families the crime rate had gone through the roof. I was expecting the usual crime scene of someone coming home, and surprising a burglar resulting in the homeowner getting killed.
I kicked open the door of 3-A. The lights are on, but I don’t see anyone. I sense danger, in fact I smell it; the stink of blood is heavy in here. I hear a grinding sound coming from the kitchen. I check my revolver again and cautiously enter the kitchen. The noise is coming from the sink and I looked in there. An object is stuck in the garbage disposal that’s twirling around and around. I knew whatever it is, it’s stuck on one of the blades and I instinctively grabbed it. That was the worse action I could have taken because suddenly I knew what I was holding in my hand. I looked at the gray lump of meat in my hand and I threw it back into the disposal and puked up all those doughnuts I had eaten right on top of it. I didn’t want anyone to know I was such a pansy, that something like this would cause me to puke, so I ran water into the sink and turned the disposal back on. The water helped the disposal do its job of grinding up the meat and doughnuts. The meat was ground down to a few inches when my puke was finally washed away and I turned the disposal off. Then I scoured the apartment for the perp, but he was long gone. I heard moaning coming from the dining room, and looked and saw laying on the floor the biggest black man I had ever seen. He wasn’t moving he was just lying there with his legs spread, and blood pumping out of a wound between his legs.
The paramedics finally showed up and I told them; some bastard cut his dick off and put it in the garbage disposal. They weren’t worried about the ground up piece of meat. They wanted to help the guy laying on the floor moaning and pumping blood all over the place. They were both busy doing what medics do in an emergency when one of them told me, “Quick put some pressure on the artery so he doesn’t bleed to death.”
I knew if I did as he told me to my uniform would get blood stained and trying to get the department to pay for a new one was close to impossible; besides the guy probably has AIDS. “Fuck that, I’m not putting my hand near where his dick used to be.” I told the medic.
“ O.K. then I’ll do it at least pull what’s left of the Penis out of the sink and put it on ice!”
“No! I told you they put it in the disposal and there’s not enough Left to do anything with.” Shit I’m thinking I had to answer this call when I could have been busy doing something else. Like protecting the local coffee shop where no one ever got his or her dick cut off. The paramedics put the victim on a Gurnee and are taking him to cook County, hospital; good luck on getting out of there alive I thought.
“O.K.” Sergeant Jones said, “Let’s find out what the hell happened here” he tells me to check the neighbors, and he’ll get investigators over here to see what evidence they can turn up. I was so happy to be out of there; the blood and puke smelled so bad I could puke again. The Paramedics were holding their legs tightly together, as they pushed the gurney out to the ambulance.
Looking at the names on the directory I Saw Michelle Flowers Apt 2-B. That being the only female name on the list it had to be the blonde I was interested in. I decide that she will be the first interviewee. I’m going up the stairs, and notice blood on the carpet. By following the trail it led directly to Apt 2-B. The door is open and Michelle is on the couch wailing. He didn’t have to do that! “Whoa quiet down,” I said, “tell me what happened?”
“ My husband that asshole thought I was screwing the black guy in 1-B. He came home drunk, and Henry was here having a drink with me; after he fixed the toilet that was about to Over-flow. My husband was off getting drunk, and if I didn’t ask Henry to fix it the place would’ve been flooded.
Michelle sobbingly told me how her husband walked through the Door and punched Henry. Then pulled his pocketknife and started slashing at Henry’s groin. Henry tried to fight back, but my husband is a fighter from way back and a few punches later Henry was knocked out. “I’m thinking her husband must be one tough son of a bitch to be able to knock out someone Henry’s size.”
She continued telling how he threatened to cut Henry’s penis off, and asked her, “You like em big and black huh? I’m gonna Cut it off and cook it for you, then we’ll see how much you like it. Henry regained consciousness as he was saying this; he let out a shriek and tried like hell to get away. He almost made it but he got sliced and started bleeding. He ran out of here screaming with my husband chasing him yelling that he was going to finish the Job. “That’s all I know,” sobbed Michelle
Shit I thought, “There’s no getting close to her now, probably not ever. Not with a maniac for a husband that can do this to Big Henry. “Unless of course her husband gets a lot of jail time.” I think.
Acelot Ackerman.
I got the first job I applied for when I moved to Chicago from Arkansas, and I’m so happy to be here. I left three ex wives and nine kids in Arkansas, and I was so deep in debt I couldn’t remember who I owed anymore. The ex’s can get Welfare or sell their Asses, or do whatever it takes to get by, because from now on I’m taking care of number one.
I went To the D.M.V to get a commercial license for my new job as a truck driver. As I printed out my name, “Ace Ackerman” I looked at the application and was surprised to read, ”what organs do you want to donate upon death?” Damn I thought, when I go I’m taking everything with me. Then I reconsidered because I thought how all my problems stemmed from not keeping it in my pants. ”My dick has been nothing but trouble to me all my Life, It’s too small for one thing. My last wife always teased me about it and the first two weren’t too Happy about the size either.”
Thinking about it now, I’m wondering how many of those kids are mine anyway? Hell I’ll donate an organ all right, so I filled out the card donating my penis upon death.
First day on the job I find out I’m not as good a driver as I thought I was, as my truck goes through the guardrail and plummets thirty feet to the road below. I saw death rushing to meet me as the ground collided with my truck, but I knew my dick would live again.
Dr. Zu wang
Luckily for Henry Dr. Zu wang was doing Emergency room duty. His specialty is reconstructing genitals in sex change operations. His first thought upon seeing Henry was “ I wonder how he’s going to like being called dickless? ” He questioned the paramedics about the missing penis and found out it was ground round now, and figured Henry would go through life sitting down to urinate.
Dr. Zu- Wang called his team together so they could decide what to do about Henry. Dr Wang is on the transplant committee and is immediately notified when they have an organ donor. He was notified there was a donor in the morgue that had just died in an accident, and when he read the donor information The doctor could hardly believe it. What asshole would donate only his penis? At The same time it’s sort of a miracle, as they haven’t decided what to do with Henry yet. “You’ve got to read this,” he told the rest of the team. What they read on the donor card that the only part he was donating was his penis; it was met with astonishment. “I know it sounds ridiculous but do you remember the Bobbit incident? His wife cut it off and it got reattached. It was functioning as a normal penis the Last I heard.”
Dr Wright being of African American descent asked, “Do you think Henry would want a White penis?”
“ Come on,” exclaimed Dr Wu-Wang, anything is better than nothing. So they started tissue Typing blood matching and all was well so they decided to proceed and transplant ace’s penis to Henry who had a fraction of an inch protruding from his crotch.
Henry
Henry woke up with tubes running in and out all over his body and thought about his mother saying Keep it zipped. I did momma and I still got in trouble he thought. Henry had no idea his penis had been severed. He remembered Michelle’s husband trying to cut him and chasing him to his apartment while screaming, I’m gonna cut it off.
There were bandages all around his genitals and he guessed he had gotten cut but had no idea how bad. Four days later Michelle came to visit Henry. Her husband had disappeared and she couldn’t stop thinking about Henry. As far back as Michelle could remember she was attracted to black Men but would never admit it, not even to herself, But after the accusations her husband made about her screwing Henry, she couldn’t stop thinking how great it must be to get a huge black penis stuck inside her.
Henry jumped when she walked into the room and said, “Lady you just turn around and get the hell Out of here.”
“Please don’t be angry at me,” Michelle pleaded. “I promise I’ll make it up to you as soon as you get out of the hospital.”
While she was telling him she was going to make it up to him Henry’s penis Started getting hard as he thought of ways she could make it up to him. Now it started hurting like hell and the harder it got the more it hurt. He knew because he had been cut was the reason it hurt so badly. So he closed his eyes but could still smell her and that was worse than looking because she smelled so damn good. Calm down Michelle said. I just came to say how sorry I am that what my husband accused us of wasn’t true. I mean (flustered) I’m sorry for what he did.
She wondered if that was a slip of the Tongue or did she really want it to happen? Don’t worry Henry my husbands a drunk but he’s not stupid enough to hang around with the police looking for him. I don’t think we’ll ever see him again .So to make up for what he did I’m going to take care of you when you get out of the hospital. Now that really sounded good to Henry. She could take care of him all she wanted. “All right I’ll come to get when you’re ready to go home.” She said as she left the room.
Dr Zu-Wang came in the room, “Henry I have some bad news and some good news for you. I’ll give you the bad news first, some bastard cut your dick off,’ right down to the stump. Henry thought he was joking until as the doctor was removing the bandages and he said, “You were lucky some DOA had a donor card in his pocket and the one thing he was willing to donate was his penis.” The doctor removed the bandages so he could see for himself. What he saw shocked him and he yelled, “Goddamn doctor, it’s a white dick!”
“I didn’t have any Choice,” Dr Zu-Wang told him. It was that or nothing. Goddamn said Henry, while holding his new penis between two fingers, it may as well be nothing. I used to put two hands around my wang and still have inches showing above my hands. “Now, now,” said Dr Zu-Wang, they say size doesn’t matter. As the doctor was saying this he’s thinking I wish I could put two hands around mine and still have some showing, at least mine’s bigger than his is now! He thought. The doctor told Henry that he could have a normal sex life and if he ever had any problems to come back to consult him. “The operation was a great success,” he told Henry.
Michelle lay in bed thinking of Henry. When he gets out I’m going to take good care of him, she’s thinking. Then She starts fantasying about his big black dick and realizing this is what she’s been wanting forever.
Henry calls and she picks him up at the hospital and insists that he stay in her apartment, as it’ll be easier for her to take care of him in her apartment rather than running up and down the stairs to his place.
Henry goes in the bathroom to take a leak, when he reaches for his penis he needs to grab it between two fingers. He can’t get used to this and needs to sit down so he doesn’t piss all over himself. He’s thinking to himself how great it’s going to be having this fine looking white woman trying to make up for what her husband had done to him. He’s thinking how he’s going to get some white booty and this time he’ll be getting it with a white Dick
While he’s in the bathroom sitting on the toilet Michelle is getting ready and can’t wait to see the big black thing, never in her Life has she seen a black one, but she’s heard hundreds of stories about how big they are. She puts on her tiniest and sheerest negligee. She calls out, Henry I’m waiting for you to show me those little scars where my husband cut you.
Henry walks in the room and one look at Michelle he immediately gets The biggest erection he possibly can which is all of three inches. Michelle has been waiting for this all her life it seems and can’t contain herself anylonger. She grabs his pants and pulls them as far down as possible. Now she’s thinking just the underwear and I’m going to see it! She drops to her knees so she can look it in the eye. She rips down his underwear and looks at a three inch long and erect white penis, she screams and the shock of seeing that itty bitty thing protruding from this giant of a man caused her to drop in a dead faint.
Damn Henry thinks, if that’s the reaction I get from a three inch white dick I’m sure glad they didn’t give me four inches.