The Accoloade


“Any animal with a complaint must voice it now, or wait six months.” The Owl said, “I know some animals and birds can’t speak with words, but you all can be understood through telepathy, so let’s share our thoughts.” On two days of the year the North Star’s orbit moves slightly so there is a direct path between the home planets of the animal God’s and Earth. This allows Earth animals to use telepathy to communicate with their Gods, and the animals can speak and understand all other creatures through their Gods telepathic powers. Once, the North Star returns to block the line of communication between the planets they all have to wait six long months before they can communicate again.
Tonight all the Earl of Shrewsbury’s animals met for the bi-annual meeting in the woods surrounding his castle. Bright moonlight, streaked through the trees and a warm breeze blew carrying the scent of a coming storm.
The usual complaints came up, until me, Hero the horse said, “You’re not going to believe what happened to me,” and started my story. “My anger caused me to neigh so loudly I frightened some of the timid animals.

“Yesterday I was galloping around the pasture, hoping to meet up with a filly or two when a sentry yelled, “Sound the alarm,”
“Vikings, the Vikings are coming,” hollered one villager. “I can see carved dragons on the ships prow.” Dragons meant Vikings.
Everyone stared into the distance looking for dragons. All hoped him wrong. Vikings were feared by everyone. Soon shouts of, “I see the dragons sounded.”
“I see them too.”
Soon everyone saw the menacing dragon prows on the oncoming ships. “Dragons meant trouble,” the Earl said, “The Vikings worship Odin, king of all the gods who they believe rides through the air mounted on an eight-footed horse fleeter than an eagle.”
I didn’t buy any eight footed horse being as fleet as an eagle. If I got a chance I knew I’d destroy their stupid belief by showing them how brave a horse could be.
A command post was set up on a hill top overlooking the coastline below. The invader’s troops could be watched once they landed. If they could be led to the trails where the soldiers waited, it would be an easy matter to defeat them once they started their ascent.
Robin helped plan the defense and he held me while my owner the Earl conferred with his generals in their tent that served as headquarters.
A soldier on that cute filly who lives in the East Meadow rode past shouting, “Run, run, the battle is lost.”
Hearing the shouting, the Earl stepped from the tent, “What’s going on?” He looked at Robin, who pointed to the troops.
“All your troops are running in retreat.” Terrified, Robin saw the enemy advancing toward them.
He jumped onto me.
“I’ll lead the retreat,” he shouted, and we rode off even though he knew he’d be leaving the Earl stranded. I disobeyed Robin’s commands and charged straight at the advancing enemy troops.
“Whoa, turn around,” Robin commanded.
I wouldn’t listen to him.
He tried to get me to turn around again and again. I ran headlong toward the invaders while Robin screamed at the top of his lungs in fear.
Orville, Robin’s biggest antagonist and the rival for Princess’s Mary’s hand, led the retreat,
“Here comes Hero,” he shouted, his face crumpled in disbelief when he saw Robin ride me toward the invading army rather than away from them. Orville knew Robin had a tendency to be the worst kind of coward; he had earned the name, “Coward of the Country” for being afraid of physical combat.
Once Orville got over his disbelief he yelled at the top of his lungs. “Stop! Hold on. Can’t you see who’s charging the enemy? If he’s advancing, we can’t retreat. Follow him.”
All the retreating men turned and followed Orville, who followed Robin, who advanced against the enemy against his will because I wouldn’t let him turn around. I wanted to live up to my name.
The rain had stopped and the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. One of the advancing invaders shouted. “Look, a rainbow bridge, it looks like Bifröst.” The bridge leading from the realm of mortals to the realm of the gods
The invaders at the bottom thought I was riding on the rainbow with Robin on my back. They not only saw Robin but heard him screaming. They thought this meant a god was arrayed against them.
“He must be leading a cavalry attack,” one invader said.
“Yeah, and a god with the fiercest knights in the land behind him means we’ll be slaughtered.”
The invader’s lead troops stopped advancing. One of the soldiers yelled, “The gods and the knights are coming,” he turned and fled the way he had come. A second later, another followed him, and another, and another. Soon the whole army ran back towards the sea.
Now Robin, alone amidst the enemy swung his sword in what appeared to be bravery, but he swung wildly to chase away a swarm of bees disturbed by the soldiers.
The Earl observed this seemingly brave action from the hilltop.
“Lucky for Robin, not one of the invaders stopped to fight. If they had, he surely would have gotten killed,” Orville said to his men as they caught up to Robin. “I don’t know where or how he got his newfound courage, but I want the entire army to emulate him.”
What appeared to be his courage was actually mine, and it turned the battle. The Earl wanted to reward him for my bravery.
Only I knew the truth, that I had won the battle, not cowardly Robin. I got an extra portion of oats and a five-minute rubdown from The Earl for my trouble. I decided to tell the princess what happened.
The next day she brought me my apple like she did every day. I tried to tell her, but she didn’t understand horse talk. I got excited and tried to make her understand, but the more I whinnied and neighed, the less she seemed to understand. “You all know I’m the one who caused those seafaring Vikings to retreat yesterday, and Robin’s getting all the credit.”
“Face it Hero, you ain’t nothing but a horse. Of course Robin’s going to get the credit,” the animals said in their different voices and thoughts.
“There must be something I can do.”
“Sure, all you have to do is become human, then you’ll be recognized for your heroic deeds,” one of the animals said.
“How the heck am I ever going to do that?"
"There’ s an old witch who lives in these woods. Go there and fertilize her garden for her. If she listens real hard she can understand any animal, but she has to want to. If she does, she has the ability to cast a spell to turn you into a human.”
###
The next day I trotted to the woods and found the witch’s cottage. She had a large vegetable garden growing in back. Careful not to step on anything growing, I walked to the middle of the garden and took a big dump. I walked slowly spreading my fertilizer among the growing plants. The witch watched, and then she came into the garden and said, “Good boy.” She gave me a few pats. I whinnied, trying to tell her what I wanted, but she wasn’t listening. I returned every day for a week. To show her appreciation the witch pulled a carrot from her garden and fed it to me.
“Thank you,” I neighed in horse talk.
“You’re welcome,” she said in human speak.
Thankful she finally understood me, I told her my problem about how Robin was stealing my glory.
Robin’s a commoner. But if he became a knight he would be considered a member of the nobility even though not born royally. That meant he would be eligible to marry the princess. Ordinary soldiers can be knighted for exceptional displays of courage and valor.
“Robin’s using my heroic deed to get knighted so he can marry Mary. I risked everything by attacking those bloodthirsty invaders, and now the Coward is going to take credit for my bravery to make her his wife.”
“ I can turn you into a man or even a handsome prince so you can ask for Mary’s hand, but what do I get out of this?”
“If you turn me into a Prince, I’ll bring you the princess and you can change places with her, at least you’ll understand me. Everything I tell her goes in one ear and out the other.”
“What about Robin, isn’t he supposed to marry the princess now that he’s a hero?”
“Robin claims he loves the princess for her inner beauty. After you change places with her, we’ll let Robin know she’s living here in your cottage with your body. Then we’ll see how much the coward loves her.” Griselda cackled and I snorted as we laughed at the awkward position we put Robin in.
Next day Mary brought me my daily apple. After she fed me, and patted my rump, my form began to slowly change before her eyes. My snout shrank, and formed into lips, then my eyes and face morphed into a human shape. My forelegs became muscular arms, and my hind legs turned into a pair of very muscular human legs. The Princess stopped patting me and closed her eyes.
She thought she was seeing things. When she opened her eyes, before her stood the handsomest naked man she had ever seen. Me! My hair was the color of my mane, but other than that I didn’t resemble the old Hero at all.
I grabbed Mary and forcibly took her to the cottage. Griselda had all the ingredients ready for her transference spell. The urn was filled with a foul smelling concoction she had boiled over the fire. She filled a bottle from the kettle, sprinkled the Princess with the concoction and recited an ancient spell witches used for body transference. Once sprinkled, her body’s structure became unglued and she melted into a puddle of liquid. Griselda soaked up the puddle with a sponge.
She squeezed the liquid from the sponge into the ingredients boiling in the urn. Then she added a special potion to the boiling concoction. She cooked over the fire for a while and then filled a spoon with the concoction, being careful not to burn herself. She then sprinkled herself and almost immediately her wrinkles started to smooth out, her hair color changed to the orange color of the Princesses hair.
Her bent and crooked body began to straighten and fill out, her black dress split at the seams as her breasts grew to a robust size. The arthritic pain left her hands, fingers, knees, and finally clear of all pain, she grabbed a mirror to see herself.
“Hero, tell me how beautiful I am.” When Mary melted her dress had fallen to the floor. Griselda put the dress on.
I didn’t think her beautiful at all. I may have a man’s body, but the mind of a horse remained in my head. To me, beautiful meant the filly in the East Meadow. To make her happy, I said, “You’re absolutely beautiful, but how are we going to get Robin here if you don’t give Mary your old body?”
“Simple,” she said, “I have a duplicate of myself cooking in the kettle,” she stuck her wooden stirring stick into the boiling potion and pulled out a deflated body that resembled her before she took her new form. She laid the deflated thing on the floor and sprinkled a potion made from liquid she had formulated of herself onto the deflated body. It started to fill out and before long was plumped up and became an exact duplicate of Griselda of old.
The Princess saw Griselda through eyes that now peered at the world from inside Griselda’s duplicate. She was trapped in Griselda’s body but wasn’t aware of that yet. She saw that Griselda looked just like her and said, “What an improvement Griselda, you look just like me. Can I leave now?” She put her hand to her mouth in amazement as a cackle came from her lips, so different than her normal voice.
Griselda laughed a sweet melodious sound. “You can never leave dearie, because my spell will keep you confined to these woods for the rest of your life. No one will be able to see you other than Robin. I don’t know if he’ll want to see you now, though.” She laughed again, just to hear that sweet youthful soprano emanating from her soft red lips.
“Why wouldn’t he?” Mary asked
Griselda handed her a mirror. A scream of horror and a loud crash startled me when she dropped the mirror in revulsion and horror. She next saw her reflection in a mirror hung on the wall and watched as the old wrinkled lips curled up into the withered old face. Her eyes were buried in a skull so distorted they appeared to be two marbles sunk into a prune. A wart larger than her crooked nose sprouted from her ear grew thick black hair that clashed with the gray stringy head hair. She started sobbing and sounded like a frog with asthma. Her arthritic hands clawed at her face and the long crooked nails drew blood.
“Why? Why, did you do this to me?” she asked.
“So you can see what it’s like living here in the middle of the woods, as I was forced to by your father. I’m going to marry Hero and we’ll rule the land together, once I get rid of your father.”
“You Hero, I brought you apples every day and rubbed you down after riding you. Why don’t you put some clothes on. If you’re going to walk around like a man, you better start acting like one.” Princess Mary croaked.
“Yes, you rode me, whipped me, and spurred me. Put the god-awful bit in my mouth to force me to go where you wanted. And your father, he was twice as bad with his steel-tipped whip.” I took a loin cloth Griselda handed me and ran it through my legs and tied a knot around my waist. Maybe being human wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. If I had to wear this thing all the time, I’d rather be a horse.
“Don’t worry Princess, I'll send Robin here to keep you company.” Griselda laughed the melodious laugh that used to belong to the princess.

When the time came for Robin to be knighted and he kneeled before Griselda, whom everyone thought was the princess, she said to the Earl, “Your Majesty, I have a witness to the battle, and this man we’re about to knight is not deserving of the honor. He was dragged into battle by Hero.”
The Earl looked at her as though she were insane. She was the one who had begged him to knight Robin.
I stepped forward and said, “I know Hero the horse forced Robin to attack. All Robin did was scream in fear, trying to get me to turn around.” Uproar surrounded me when I made this statement. Here I stood a man claiming to have been a horse the previous day.
“What’s this foolishness? I saw Robin leading the attack myself. Who are you to come in here and make accusations?”
“I’m Hero, formerly your horse, but now an applicant for knighthood.” Mutterings of disbelief surrounded me until Orville stepped forward.
“I can verify everything he said as true.” He told how he had watched everything. My bravery in bringing Robin into battle and how I changed from horse to man. “I saw it all with my own eyes,” Orville said..
“I’m cancelling this ceremony until I can find out what’s going on,” The Earl said.
When things quieted down and the Earl consulted his advisers behind closed doors. I sought out Robin. “You know what I said about you is true Robin. The best thing you can do now is go live in the woods with the princess.”
“What’re you talking about? The princess is standing right over there.”
“That’s her double.The real princess has been banished to the woods, and it’ s best if you join her.”
###
Robin
Upon hearing this, Robin rushed to the woods to find Mary. He wondered how his good fortune came to such a drastic reversal. An hour ago he was to be knighted and set to marry the Princess. Now he found himself being banished to the woods, but if the real princess was there everything would be all right.
He knocked on the cottage door and shuffling sounds came from within. He lifted the latch and opened the door. Coming toward him was one of the scariest sights he had ever seen. The old woman must have been taking a bath when he knocked. She made her way to answer the door, but had forgotten to dress. Robin couldn’t help but to be repulsed at the sight of her hanging wrinkled flesh. Her body matched her wrinkled, shrunken head. If a prune could walk, Robin thought, that’s exactly how it would look. The prune approached him. Her snow-white hair billowed around her head like ropey whipped cream splattered on a prune. Her frog-like voice croaked, “Robin, I’m so happy to see you.” She threw her arms around him.
He couldn’t hold the creamed corn he had just eaten in his stomach any longer. He gagged once and it rolled down her naked back. His vomit covered her in what looked like a white sauce and he was reminded of a prune steeped in boiled milk. The thought caused him to throw up again. He hated prunes.
She sat on the floor and cried. Robin wondered if anyone had ever seen a more pitiful sight, a naked, scrawny, wrinkled, withered, old woman sitting in a puddle of cream-colored vomit, croaking like a frog.
“Don’t you recognize me, Robin? I’m Princess Mary, your betrothed.” She wiped vomit from her hair with a crippled arthritic hand.
What am I going to do? Robin asked himself. I love Mary, but this is not the Mary I fell in love with. Looking at her his skin puckered at the thought of touching this ancient crone. Revulsion, not love filled him and he couldn’t control these feelings. How can this ugly old woman possibly be beautiful Mary? Witchcraft he answered himself.
“You men are all the same. You’ll love us when we’re young and beautiful, but add a few years and you want to find someone else.”
“You’ve added about a hundred years to your age. Please give me some time. I’ll try to get used to you like this. In the meantime can you get cleaned up and dressed?”
“I need help.”
Reluctantly Robin helped her into the bathtub and then helped her dress, glad he had emptied his stomach or he would have thrown up again.
He went into the kitchen and found the potion Griselda had made still cooking on the stove. Her book of magic was still open to the page describing how the spell worked. Robin read from the book and learned how to reverse the spell by sprinkling Griselda and Hero with the potion still boiling on the stove. Griselda, so excited over her new beauty, had forgotten to close the book of spells.
Robin got excited seeing all the magic spells in the book. He started looking for transference spells, so he could return Mary to her old body.
Princess Mary prudishly stepped into the room. Robin found looking at her revolting, but at least the smell of vomit had vanished. He showed her the book of spells, and told her how he could sprinkle the impostor and restore her to her former self. Although old in body, her mind remained sharp and she spotted the small print right away.
“Robin, it’s not going to be so easy. Here’s a problem right here,”she put her crooked old finger on the page where it said, “ ‘To reverse a transference spell, each party of the transference must have a champion to fight a joust for them, and the winner’s champion will decide if the spell will be broken or not.’ This means you’ve got to challenge Hero to a joust.”
“You’ve got to be kidding—Hero’s as strong as a horse.”
“That” s the only way.”
Robin’s knees trembled at the thought of fighting anybody. “I’ve never been much of a fighter. I can’t help myself when I’m about to fight my knees shake and I break out in a sweat over my entire body and get so weak I can hardly lift my sword. Maybe you can find a spell to give me the courage I need?”
“It just so happens I found exactly the spell that you need. It makes you unafraid of anyone or anything. I’ll need you to get me some ingredients from the garden and a few from the river bottom.”
She gave him a list and put another kettle on the stove. When Robin returned with the ingredients she requested. He bent over the kettle and smelled the stew-like potion she cooked.
“All finished. Eat this.” She put a steaming bowl in front of him, and Robin spooned the broth into his mouth.
“This tastes great, what is it?”
“Liquid courage. One bowl of that and you’ll never be afraid of anyone as long as you live.”
“Okay, give me another bowl so I won’t be afraid of anyone after I die.” Warriors dreamed of going to the great battle in the sky and Robin had nightmares his entire life about an eternity of battles where he was too scared to fight and the entire population of warrior heaven called him Holy Coward.
Mary had found the spell to allow her to leave the woods, and Robin carried Mary most of the way to the castle. They discovered Hero was going to be knighted the following day.
“We’ve got to stop this from happening,” Mary said. “You have to challenge him now. Once he’s a knight he won’t have to answer a challenge from a commoner.”
Robin walked past the guards who allowed him in because he was a frequent visitor. He stepped into the royal chambers and found me and Griselda in the great room where a meeting took place.
“Hey, horse-face. I challenge you to a joust.” Surprise overcame everyone when The Coward spoke those words.
###
Hero
I was more than happy to oblige. I knew I could beat the Coward of The Country easily.
The Earl declared that the winner of the joust would be the one who would be knighted.
“You’ve got to win.” Griselda told me. “If you lose, the spell will be broken.”
This news aroused me. No way did I want to return to being a beast of burden. I went to the courtyard to practice, and didn’t hesitate to spur and whip the horse I rode because I was in charge now and knew better than anybody how to handle a horse..
After two bowls of liquid courage, Robin showed he could whip any knight in the castle by beating the meanest toughest knight in the entire kingdom.. He walked with a strut to show he feared no one
On the day of the joust robin borrowed a donkey with a cart to bring Mary to watch. The donkey told me the whole story at a later time. Robin in comparison to me was small and weighed only a fraction of what I did. The crowd anticipated an easy victory for me. They chanted, Hero, Hero the Horse, be our hero today.
When the donkey told me the story about their trip to the castle he told how unknown to Robin, Mary went to the barn where the war horses were kept, and used the transference spell and inhabited the horse I was to ride. This of course was unknown to me at that time.
I was so big and muscular a special horse had to be found to carry the excess weight of me in full armor. The horse chosen for me was almost twice the size of the one Robin would ride. But no one knew Mary now inhabited that horse’s body.
We both mounted and the crowd jeered Robin, “Hey coward, better run while you still can.”
The horses ran toward each other and mine stopped suddenly, throwing me off balance just as Robin’s lance struck me. And knocked me from my horse. I lay prone on the ground because my attendants had piled so much armor on me I couldn’t move from the prone position.
Robin dismounted and sat on my back, quickly dumping the vial of liquid onto me while reciting the magic chant Mary had taught him.
“Look,” a spectator shouted, “His armor bulged and split open.”
All watched as my arms and legs grew and morphed into horse legs. The armor covering my body shattered as my size increased. In a matter of seconds everyone was amazed to see Robin sitting atop me, the horse he had ridden when he supposedly led the counter attack.
Robin rode me over to the box where the Griselda, the false princess sat. He pulled out a bottle. Now you’re going to get what you deserve witch.” He sprinkled her with the transference potion.
“NOOOOOoooo,” she wailed, but to no avail as she quickly became a puddle on the ground.
Robin soaked up the liquid with a sponge he carried under his armor. He found Mary in the barn where she transferred back to the old decrepit body she had arrived at the tournament in.
“Here Mary, take this to the cottage.” He handed her the sponge that contained Griselda’s liquid. “I’ll meet you there as soon as I can.”
She did as Robin said, and heated it before mixing it in the potion that would return her to her old body.
Robin rode me to the cottage after the ceremony. “Mary, there’s going to be a big ceremony today and you’re going to knight me tomorrow.”
He watched as she sprinkled herself with the potion and her skin transformed from wrinkles into smooth clear skin, from ugliness into beauty, her body filled out round and firmly solid. Her eyes popped from the depths of the prune-like face, lips plumped and the mole shrunk, hair became golden from gray she looked like the Mary of old again.
She immediately went outside to scold me. “No more apples for you Hero, this is what you get from now on. She showed me she now had her Father’s steel tipped whip, and she whacked me so hard and it hurt like heck. She returned to the kettle on the stove. Using the mixing paddle, she pulled out the deflated image of Griselda, and sprinkled the potion on it that inflated her back to her normal ugly stinky self.
“Just think Mary, once I’m knighted, we can finally be married,” Robin said.
“Are you kidding? With what I’ve learned from Griselda’s book, I can create any kind of man I want any time I want.”
She put the book of spells under her arm and rode away on me. “That’s my story, believe it or not,” I whinnied and ran off toward the East Meadow.