297 – I Believe – Not

297 - I Believe – Not297 – I Believe – Not

Joe tried to please his wife in bed but could never measure up. Whatever he tried, his wife wanted the opposite. She’d complain that having sex didn’t last long enough. When he extended the act, she said, “It lasts way too long.”

Unable to please her, Joe left. After a few years of carousing, he returned. “I’m now man enough to make your nights paradise,” he said. “Because you lay incredible eroticism on me, my hands cannot stay still and won’t stop roaming your softest flesh. I know you need your rest,but urges surge. I can’t let you sleep away any time we have together.

“Your touch electrifies my every nerve. I stand erect, incapable of not craving another part of you. Shocks touch my small brain. It takes charge, and warns every body part to be on alert, to search out and feel any part of you energizing my very being.  You excite my libido even though it’s been with Rip Van Winkle for many years. It’s now awake and raring to go where, hopefully, no man has gone before. So take off your clothes and let’s get down to business.”

“Does being man enough mean you got an operation?” she asked.

“What?”

“You know, a penis enlargement. Your six inches was never enough for me.”

He should have known she’d never change. “No, but I did read the book ‘How to Please a Woman Every Time.’” “Reading a book isn’t good enough.

You’ll have to grow an inch or two before you’ll ever satisfy me.”

“Well, the book says six inches is more than enough. It’s you that has the problem, not me.”

“How can that be?”

“You’ve had kids. Your vagina got stretched, so you need to exercise to tighten up.”

She swung her right fist at his face. Joe ducked and she hit the wall.

“Calm down. All you need to do is wear some smart balls a few hours a day.”

“Smart balls? Any balls I’ve ever met are as dumb as the men who own them.”

“It’s a brand name, dummy. They’re weighted balls you insert and walk around with them inside you all day. Every step you take exercises your Kegel muscles and before you know it, you’ll be tighter than you’ve ever been.”

“I wouldn’t wear something inside me all day.”

“Then you can use a vagina barbell to do your exercises, or weighted cones. Why, there’s even a vagina-tightening cream you could use.”

A few days later Joe handed her a package containing every Kegel exerciser and cream he could get his hands on. “Find something you can use in there. I’ll be back in a month and a day to feel the results.”

The time went by swiftly. Joe returned and knocked on her door. His wife answered with a frown on her face. “I can’t let you in, I’ve been using the tightening cream, and now you’re much too big.”

Joe barged into the room and saw his ex-wife’s girlfriend’s face puckered up like she had been sucking on lemons. That’s when Joe discovered what she really liked, and he knew he could never please his ex-wife because he was a man.