It was a warm and sunny summer day when my girlfriend Becky said, “Something is beckoning me to ride my cycle on a rough and rocky trail.”
I almost laughed when I remembered a joke from when I was a kid. “The old lady who rode her bike over the rough cobblestone road said, ‘I’ll never come that way again.’” Instead of laughing, I loaded our bikes and went to the Peavine Trail in Prescott, Arizona. An old railroad bed turned into a hiking/biking trail.
Becky had never been there before. She stared at it for a few minutes and then said, “The gods must have carved this trail from the rocks to entice us to continue on it so we can witness what they have created for us in the middle of a rocky plain.”
“There’s a lake along the way, I said.
“What a surprise,” she said, “and look, the monoliths are pointing as if to say, ‘Venture a little further to see what we have in store for you.’”
Mesmerized by the magnificent creations, we obeyed and steered our bikes down the winding trail. A rattlesnake slithered in front of us.
I imagined the creators of this astounding place wanted to show that they made moving things too. Becky screamed and fell of her bike. Good thing the rattler was headed the other way.
I got off my bike to help her up. There were long-legged birds hopping about on the water’s edge. Rabbits and lizards scurried by.
“This is a natural paradise, I think,” Becky said.
“It sure is, but see that sign?” I pointed to it. Hikers and joggers beware, mountain lions live here.
“Oh-my-God,” Becky said, “do mountain lions eat people?”
“Only the ones they catch,” I said, and laughed. “You do know that whoever created all this thinks of us only as meals on wheels.”
“Funny,” she said and then yelled in my ear. “Look. A mountain lion.” she pointed to the top of a high hill about a hundred yards from us where a lion stood staring at us.
Becky took off running. “No, no,” I yelled, “that’s the worst thing you can do is to run.”
She ignored me and kept on hightailing it out of there, leaving me as lunch for the hungry lion. I took off after her. As I ran, I looked over my shoulder and saw the lion hot on our trail. I caught up to Becky and I swear to God, I don’t know
what made me do it, but I reached out, grabbed her by the shoulder, and shoved her behind me so the lion would get her and not me.
I instantly felt guilty and spun around in time to see the lion leap through the air and knock Becky off of her feet. It went for her throat, but she had her arm in front of her. The lion took her arm in its mouth and tried to drag her off into the brush. I picked up a heavy rock and bashed the rock onto the lion’s head. He didn’t let go. I aimed for his eye and brought the rock down as hard as I could. The lion held on.
Becky was bleeding and screaming that I was a coward and she hopes the lion eats me. She better shut up, because if she doesn’t, I’ll leave her for lunch.
The lion’s head had to be made out of stone, because as many times as I hit it, the cat didn’t seem fazed. It slowly dragged Becky to the brush that surrounds the trail.
I see that it’s a male. I know the weak spot on males. It’s something I don’t want to do, but after what I did to Becky, I figure I better do it or she’d tell everyone. Wait, I thought. If I let the lion eat her, no one will ever know. My conscience wouldn’t allow me to abandon her. I reached between the lion’s hind legs, grabbed his testicles and twisted as hard as I could. It let go of Becky’s arm and yowled a painful cry, then took off running for the hills.
“Let me see that arm,” I said and reached for Becky.
“I can’t believe what you did to me,” she said. The look on her face proved what she said was true.
“I couldn’t help myself. It was nature that made me do it.”
She showed me her bloody arm. “Nature made you throw me to the lions?”
“Yeah, you know, self-preservation.”
“Yeah I know. Self-preservation is the strongest instinct and sex is the second. Isn’t that right?”
“Yeah,” I answered, hoping somehow I’d get some sex out of this. I mean, who knows? People get excited about the weirdest things. Maybe that lion chewing on her arm warmed her up.
“Guess we’re safe now,” she said, “so do you want to have sex?”
I didn’t have to answer. She saw the look on my face and said, “Take your pants off.”
“Now or never,” she said.
I undid my belt and dropped my jeans.
“All the way off.”
I took off my boots so I could get the jeans off. She bent over and picked up my jeans and came very close. She put
her hand on my leg and moved slowly up to my crotch.
“I saw how you got that mountain lion to turn me loose, so I’m going to do the same thing to you.”
“Wha . . .” I screamed as she grabbed my balls and twisted so hard I would have fallen to my knees, but she held on and held me up until I screamed and howled louder than the mountain lion ever did.
“It’s nature making me do this,” Becky said and twisted harder.