#139 Gold

#139 Gold

#139 Gold

Four men wearing straw hats, boots, and nothing else sat in the Honeyhive sipping clear volcano juice flown in daily from Jupiter’s moon, Lo. Others miners who worked the volcanic terrain dressed like those in the Honeyhive. There were over 400 active volcanoes on Lo, spewing liquid gold into the air that puddled on the ground after cooling in the turbulent atmosphere. The clearer the juice, the more it weighed, and that meant a higher price.

The juice stimulated new skin growth and accelerated bodily processes. If a man worked as a juicer for five Earth years, he’d age 50. The juice enhanced the nervous and respiratory systems, sped up brain function to a level where those who drank it became superior. With their accelerated thinking, miners were always one step ahead of the law that forbade them from importing the juice. It wasn’t always illegal, that happened when the extremist took over the world government. Those hypocritical bastards claimed their prophet preached that any that drank volcanic juice violated the covenant between man and the overlord. Yet, the biggest customers for the juice were the ruling clerics.

Any miner worth his salt knew they drank it to keep their minds above the populace. If everyone drank the clear stuff, they’d see the fallacy of all the doctrine preached at them. But any bootleg juice sold to the public was watered down enough to only increase the average IQ twenty to thirty points. Undiluted, the juice increased the average intelligence at least100%.

Try as they would, the clerics couldn’t stop the importation, because the miners had access to as much juice as they wanted and even the top cleric couldn’t afford more than a small daily dose. The four men in the Honeyhive discussed ways of supplying the populace with all the juice they wanted.

Tom pulled his boot off and shook out one of the crawling rocks that had crept into his boot. He picked it up and watched its undulating movements. “See this here?” he said loudly. “It used to be a dumb rock until a pool of clear covered it. Less than a week after that, it became alive. What used to be a dumb rock is now a living thinking thing.” He held it over the table and Bruce, Jim, and Joe watched as the smart rock twisted free and rolled across the table, fell to the floor, rolled out the door and disappeared into the rocky landscape.

“What I want to know is, how come the juice can give a rock brains, but dissolves the brains of the clerics who drink it?” Joe asked. He drained his glass and his eyes lit up. The juice had fired up his neurons. “You know that law they passed last month that everybody has to wear something to cover their body?’ They passed that to punish us for raising the price of the juice.”

“Yeah, once they did that, I pissed into every quart of juice I sold them,” Bruce laughed.

“That’s good, but I one upped you, I gather up all the dog shit I can find and put it in an extractor with juice, make a slurry out of it and sell it to them.” Jim smiled

“That’s why they’re as smart as dog shit,” Joe laughed out loud and the others joined in. “But listen up, I’ve got an idea.”

“Thought I smelled volcano smoke,” Jim said.

“Seriously, that stupid law the council passed that says no juice can be brought to Earth.”

“Yeah, what about it?,” Bruce pointed his finger at Joe.

“Home brew, we produce the juice right here on Earth,” Joe smiled and waited to hear what they had to say about his idea.

“Been tried a hundred times before,” Bruce scratched his head. “No one ever has been able to brew the juice here.”

“I drank two entire quarts last night and after . . .”

“Two quarts? I don’t believe it. How come you’re still alive?” Tom said. “Everyone knows your brain burns out after one quart.”

“Do I look brain burnt?” Joe asked. “I melded minds with my dog and he helped absorb the neuronal bursts of the second quart. We thought together, and he told me about a formula to seed volcanoes here. Once we pump a million gallons or so into an active volcano, it’ll spit out liquid gold all day.”

“Your dog?” Bruce looked befuddled. “Your dog told you about a secret formula?”

            “You heard right. Let’s do it and show those clerics we’re smarter than them.  We’ll pool our resources and seed three big ones, and when they blow, Earth will be covered with liquid gold. That’ll fix those controlling clerics.”

The others followed Joe to his depot where he had already manufactured millions of gallons of his secret formula. They loaded the four ships and two went to Mount Aso and the others to Mount Aetna and Mount Bromo. They dropped the formula through the top and within an hour, all three spewed the banned substance.

The clerics tried to stop people from drinking the clear, but couldn’t because it was ubiquitous. Erupting volcanoes spit so much liquid gold into the atmosphere that cooled it and sent it hurtling to the ground where puddles formed in every area of the world. The entire population drank their fill of clear volcano juice, they thought!

Not long after the human population had gorged itself on clear volcano juice, canines around the world became revered. Pampered by humans to such an extreme, it became obvious that dogs ruled. People fed them, picked up their shit and never expected them to do anything but lie around and be friendly.

After Joe took one drink, he knew he had been outsmarted by his dog, because the formula turned out to be a dog love potion. The knowledge couldn’t overcome his urge to bow down and worship every dog he came upon.

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